I have this memory from when I was younger when I had pulled out all the toys in my closet because I’d been told to clean my room. I sat there staring at it all in front of me in a complete state of overwhelm and started to cry.
I had no idea what to do with it all.
There were piles of small objects that didn’t seem to go together, half of it with missing parts. I couldn’t make sense of it. “Cleaning” it seemed fruitless. In the end I just rearranged it all into something that looked “neater” on the surface but was really just the same crap placed in such a way to trick you that something was “better”.
I was incredibly good at this kind of trickery.
I was also really good at pretending like everything was ok. Nobody was there to see me cry my eyes out and express how I really felt.
Fast forward to now….
I’ve uprooted myself from my apartment and treatment space of 3 years. I haven’t been in one place for more than 2 weeks from the middle of April and the middle of September.
I had to come into contact with every object I own in order to pair down. A part of me wanted to get rid of everything. But I kept coming up against attachment patterns and fear of the future. What if I can’t get what I need wherever I end up next?
It was hard to give up my apartment and let go into the unknown. So many times I’ve wanted to crawl back to the comfortable. Even if the comfortable is not what I actually want anymore.
It’s made me aware of just how much the spaces we live in and the objects we own affect our energy fields AND our life choices.
I did this because I need to research and reimagine what the concept of home means to me. I need to research belonging. To feel into land through my body.
These last 6 months have been relentless in teaching me to work with what I have where I’m at. Forcing me to stop organizing my future outside of the now.
So much change happened at once. There have been times when all I could manage was being present from hour to hour. I’ve needed to learn how that feels.
I’ve been feeling the call of life shifts on the horizon that I still don’t quite understand. Something has been stirring that a higher part of me already knows but my mind has not fully caught up with yet. One part of me won’t give the other parts of me any details about the future until I surrender ALL of my need to know.
The message has been very clear to: LET GO. And in particular to stop trying so hard. At life.
I’ve never experienced anything quite like this before.
It’s a thin line. Go back to the way things were and stay comfortable or take a big risk and a huge leap of faith and hope and hope and hope I end up landing on both feet.
I did something like this 4 years ago because it felt like I had no other choice but to disrupt the flow of things. It created ripples in my life I wasn’t prepared for but needed to face.
Those ripples put me on a major healing journey from which I am just now seeing the fruits of my labor.
And here I am again listening to the call of life, telling me to surrender and get really really present so I can better hear what I’m trying to tell myself.
And it’s teaching me?
People say it all the time…home is in your body. Yes, I am being taught to come home to myself AGAIN. For the 100th time.
I realized just how much I still project myself into what will be instead of being down and dirty with what is.
By forcing myself to get really present this summer I’ve faced with some of the biggest challenges I’ve experienced. I had to get really clear with some deep down unconscious ancestral pain and early life trauma that’s been standing in my way of more freedom and agency.
I had to look again at grief and fear still holding me back from exploding into becoming the possibilities I want. Threads of patterns that had even deeper pockets of wisdom to explore.
It wasn’t pleasant.
The only place I could do that kind of work was in the unknown. I found information I’ve needed. Information that was too easy to ignore in the comfort I’d been living in. When I get too comfortable I don’t grow in the ways in which I yearn for. And I usually have to ‘pull the rug’ out from underneath myself in order to get myself to grow!
To ask myself: What’s no longer working? What do you WANT?! And then be willing to ask the world for it. And be willing to sacrifice the past (read: let it go) to get it.
You want to create a new world? To birth a new way of being into possibility? Then you have to be willing to take risks. Big risks. To take chances you thought you didn’t have the courage to.
Showing up to myself in this way is now a daily practice, to which I am still an apprentice.
In order to trust instincts and intuition vs. habitual patterns of safety and the ‘known’. To trust in not having the answers I wish I had, for what ‘next’ will look like…
And we only find ‘next’ when we get really really present with what is.